What It Says and What It Means

New and ImprovedI’ve thought of ten examples recently of things you read/hear and what they really mean. Here you go:

SAYS: “Tear here to open.” MEANS: “Get out your industrial strength scissors and just see if you can get this package open.”

SAYS: “Resealable.” MEANS: “Resealable [with duct tape — not included — after the stupid plastic seal breaks while opening].”

SAYS: “New and improved!” MEANS: “New [packaging for you] and improved [bottom line for us, because we’re now making it out of inferior materials that will fall apart more quickly, and we’re using slave labor to produce it].

SAYS: “Easy to install” or “Easy to assemble.” MEANS: “You know that Ph.D. in computer programming or mechanical engineering you’ve been considering? Go get it┬ábefore attempting to install or assemble this.”

SAYS: “Get results in just minutes a day.” MEANS: “If you do this for ten minutes every. single. day. exactly as directed, you can expect to see results in 5 or so years.”

SAYS: “All natural!” MEANS: “The FDA has approved this, so, you know, it won’t poison you as quickly as, say, those ‘all-natural’ poisonous mushrooms will.”

SAYS: “Reminiscent of Jane Austen.” MEANS: “It takes place in England (possibly in the late 18th or early 19th century, but not necessarily). Oh, and there are female characters in it.”

SAYS: “No shopping tonight! Make this easy meal using kitchen staples.” MEANS: “We consider plum wine, scallion-infused olive oil, and/or anchovies to be kitchen staples. Don’t you?”

SAYS: “Quick and easy.” MEANS: “Expect to spend no less than 10 hours on this, but more likely 3-4 days.”

SAYS: “Versatile!” MEANS: If you know how to tie 9 different types of knots, can remove our double-stitched labels without making holes, and are comfortable walking around in a “dress” that hits just below the hips, this garment is versatile.”

Please feel free to share your own.