5 Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

I know. “Never say never.” This blog post will probably come back to haunt me when I’m 80, but right now I’m sticking to my principles. You can call me behind the times. You may think I am terribly uncool, but here are a few things that, with the exception of right here and now, you will never hear me say (see me write/type):

1. “Let me google that.” I was appalled when people began using “google” as a verb. I know, it probably seemed so trendy and cool back in 1999, but my first thought was, “Ew!” Am I the only one who thinks it sounds a bit obscene, like something that has to do with some dirty old man. Probably that was the point, because the tech world has to be edgy, but still. Even worse, though, it shows how easily Americans can be brainwashed by corporate branding. Way back when most of today’s Google employees were still in diapers, I was using search engines to search the World Wide Web. (In fact, I was actually using the precursor to search engines. Anyone else remember Archie and Gopher?) I liked Webcrawler. I still like Webcrawler. I also like Dogpile (my search engine of choice, although, again, horrible name. Alfie the dog is cute, though). Google (I use it when it’s up and convenient, like when I’m at the library doing a quick and uncomplicated search) isn’t my search engine of choice, but even if it were, you would always here me say, “Let me look that up online” not “Let me google that.”

2. “It was a hella (fill in the blank).” How lazy have Americans become that we can’t be bothered to type or say “hell of a” or even “helluva”? It’s one more syllable, people. It’s not like you’re being asked to type our or pronounce a 10-syllable world. Or have I lost people here? Everyone does still know what a syllable is, right?

3. “I’m going to go see Bruce Springsteen at the Metlife Stadium.” I’m sorry. I know they tore it down and built a new one, but it is not and never will be “The Metlife Stadium.” It’s Giants Stadium, in the Meadowlands, right there on the NY/NJ line in East Rutherford, NJ. I’ve seen many a show (yes, Bruce Springsteen included) there, as well as a few football games, and I refuse to call it by an insurance company’s name (especially since I just had to look it up in order to remember what insurance company it is). I take it one step further, though: I won’t call any stadium by its corporate sponsor’s name.

4. “I just took a ‘selfie’.” Okay, yes, I have, a couple of times, taken a picture of myself in order to update my online profiles. I even took one for this blog, but that one was really of Bernie and Clare not of me. “Selfie” is one of those too-cutesy words that, for the most part, make me cringe. I think it’s a sign of how narcissistic and infantile this nation has become that we have to go around taking endless photos of ourselves and calling them something that sounds like it belongs in the nursery rather than in adult conversation.

5. “I’d like a nonfat, decaf soy chai latte.” Please! What’s the point? Why not just order some cardboard blended with water? I’d like coffee with cream. If I’m hungry and feel I need a little fat and protein to go with my caffeine, I’ll have a full fat latte. If it’s after 3:00 p.m., I’d like black tea with milk, please. If it’s after a delicious dinner in a nice restaurant, I might forego dessert in favor of a cappuccino. That’s it. Plain and simple.