5 Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

I know. “Never say never.” This blog post will probably come back to haunt me when I’m 80, but right now I’m sticking to my principles. You can call me behind the times. You may think I am terribly uncool, but here are a few things that, with the exception of right here and now, you will never hear me say (see me write/type):

1. “Let me google that.” I was appalled when people began using “google” as a verb. I know, it probably seemed so trendy and cool back in 1999, but my first thought was, “Ew!” Am I the only one who thinks it sounds a bit obscene, like something that has to do with some dirty old man. Probably that was the point, because the tech world has to be edgy, but still. Even worse, though, it shows how easily Americans can be brainwashed by corporate branding. Way back when most of today’s Google employees were still in diapers, I was using search engines to search the World Wide Web. (In fact, I was actually using the precursor to search engines. Anyone else remember Archie and Gopher?) I liked Webcrawler. I still like Webcrawler. I also like Dogpile (my search engine of choice, although, again, horrible name. Alfie the dog is cute, though). Google (I use it when it’s up and convenient, like when I’m at the library doing a quick and uncomplicated search) isn’t my search engine of choice, but even if it were, you would always here me say, “Let me look that up online” not “Let me google that.”

2. “It was a hella (fill in the blank).” How lazy have Americans become that we can’t be bothered to type or say “hell of a” or even “helluva”? It’s one more syllable, people. It’s not like you’re being asked to type our or pronounce a 10-syllable world. Or have I lost people here? Everyone does still know what a syllable is, right?

3. “I’m going to go see Bruce Springsteen at the Metlife Stadium.” I’m sorry. I know they tore it down and built a new one, but it is not and never will be “The Metlife Stadium.” It’s Giants Stadium, in the Meadowlands, right there on the NY/NJ line in East Rutherford, NJ. I’ve seen many a show (yes, Bruce Springsteen included) there, as well as a few football games, and I refuse to call it by an insurance company’s name (especially since I just had to look it up in order to remember what insurance company it is). I take it one step further, though: I won’t call any stadium by its corporate sponsor’s name.

4. “I just took a ‘selfie’.” Okay, yes, I have, a couple of times, taken a picture of myself in order to update my online profiles. I even took one for this blog, but that one was really of Bernie and Clare not of me. “Selfie” is one of those too-cutesy words that, for the most part, make me cringe. I think it’s a sign of how narcissistic and infantile this nation has become that we have to go around taking endless photos of ourselves and calling them something that sounds like it belongs in the nursery rather than in adult conversation.

5. “I’d like a nonfat, decaf soy chai latte.” Please! What’s the point? Why not just order some cardboard blended with water? I’d like coffee with cream. If I’m hungry and feel I need a little fat and protein to go with my caffeine, I’ll have a full fat latte. If it’s after 3:00 p.m., I’d like black tea with milk, please. If it’s after a delicious dinner in a nice restaurant, I might forego dessert in favor of a cappuccino. That’s it. Plain and simple.

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9 thoughts on “5 Things You Will Never Hear Me Say

  1. Have you used Duck Duck Go? It’s pretty good and they don’t track your searches. Still, since I work with students ever day it’s usually Google for me. And you’d have a hard time here in the Twin Cities. We have two indoor venues for concerts and basketball, hockey, etc. The one in Minneapolis is Target Center and the one in St Paul is Xcel Center (the regional power company). There is nothing else you can call them except by their corporate names.

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  2. I’ve missed you, Emily!! Of course you are right, though I have just broken rule #4 yesterday during taking the Christmas pictures. I wanted to know how my new cellphone took pictures, including selfies because it has weird icons on it. It was fun, but scary – I do not take good photos! Close-up is a little weird! I do think the rise of selfies is indicative of the next generation wanting to know they exist. Like they want to prove they have done something, and it’s not enough to tell about it, they need the photo to go with it. Maybe, just guessing. Personally I think the world has enough selfies and would like to see some more selflessness.

    I break rule #1 all the time!!!! I TOTALLY agree on rule #5!! Who cares about soy non-fat latte with whipped whatever????? What kind of drink is that? It sure doesn’t sound like it tastes good, and if it doesn’t taste good, I’m not drinking it. Rule #3: And our hockey stadium here in Ottawa has changed so many sponsors over the years that I can no longer keep track of who it is this year. Corel Center? Palladium? I don’t know…..I hate the sponsors names, it doesn’t tell you where the stadium or arena is. Not like Maple Leaf Gardens, or the Montreal Forum, or Joe Louis Arena. Those were places. Sponsors names? They’re not attached to a place at all.

    Can’t say I’ve heard of #2 yet, which is fine with me, since I’d be so annoyed and then be accused by others of being a grammar cop and old because I’m not keeping up with the times 🙂

    Susan – You Can Never Have Too Many Books

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  3. Ha! Very very funny, Emily. I’ve never heard of #2 either, but I guess it’s better than it was a “f***in’ whatever.” I agree with you, about how lazy we’ve become with our language. Is it texting, do you think, that is the culprit? I have no “selfies.” Alas. If i want to see what I look like I generally use the mirror. I’m usually not happy with the result. And it will always be Comiskey Park, Home of the Chicago White Sox – and I don’t care that they built the new stadium across the street and down a few blocks. U.S. Cellular Field? Are you kidding me? Ugh.

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    • I think texting might have something to do with it, but I think Americans have just become more lazy in general in all areas of life. Not sure why that is, but I’ll blame it on advertising and the media (because I always do!). “U.S. Cellular Field” sounds like something that could be dangerous and ought to be avoided, doesn’t it?

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  4. Rules are made to be broken! Re: “I’d like a nonfat, decaf soy chai latte.” I’ve read these sentences in American blogs, i’ve never heard it over here IRL. I am not even sure French Starbucks can prepare such an order. And it would sound plain weird in French. My brain can’t seem to work what it might taste like (likewise I suppose I can’t explain to you what frogs taste like 😉 !) Just for the sake of my personal knowledge, I’d like to try one once. And probably that’ll be enough for the rest of my life.

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